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latenitrogenthoughts

For the night is dark and full of dreamers ♥

Lonely Girl


Was it the loneliness, dear girl
That he claim to understand?
Did your heart ache
When he kissed your calloused hand?
Did your heart stopped a moment
After he compared you to sunset
– Dauntless, vibrant
Yet with inevitable sadness ?
Did he break that heart of ice
When he told you of your beauty
Despite that too cold face
That reminded you of cruelty
Did he embrace your ugly scars
As if they were his?
Did he say that he’ll stay
Because his heart has found its rest?
Oh silly, silly girl!
You were lonely for too long
That when he came with his sword
Everything became a love song
Oh silly, silly girl!
Have you truly not noticed?
That what he has to offer
Was not love but loneliness?
Oh silly, lonely girl
Did you not ever wonder
Why he understood so much of that pain
If it didn’t keep him a prisoner?


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Do you know what I hate about fighting? It’s not the vulnerable state I am in. Not the crying. Nor the curses or hurtful words. It is not the anger. Not the frustrations. Not the winning nor losing of an argument. It is not that.

 It is the nothingness. That very cold feeling after the numbing of pain which grips me and whispers no more. Let us not  care anymore and feel anything. It feels like my senses become dulled- my eyes no longer see other’s tears, my ears no longer hear their problems, my hands no longer want to comfort theirs. And all I can see is my own crying face, hear my own silent pleas and feel this coldness which offers me everything by feeling nothing. And suddenly, my mind just goes blank, my heart no longer hurting and everything else fades. 

In that very instance, I feel free.

And I hate it because I crave it and because I know that come daylight, I’ll choose not to succumb to it.

Hades and Persephone


As Autumn buries its dead leaves
And innocent Springtime slowly recedes
As Winter puts the Earth in a cold slumber
Return to me in the land here under

Leave the crown of flowers at the entrance
Let the darkness engulf you in a dance
Wear this crown of ashes and bones
In this  place of banished souls

For this world they call a prison,
 Is the kingdom we call our home
And queen you always shall be
In this seat beside my throne

So lie here with me, my lovely Persephone
And let the underworld whisper the truth of our story
 

His Fault

It was not your fault that you fall in love with people who can make you smile and  laugh. After all, you crave for that tiny sliver of light for the dark abyss that is your soul. It was not your fault that you once believed he was put by fate onto your path for you to finally feel loved and complete. It was not your fault that you hoped his days were numbered to seeing you. It was not your fault that you thought he’s falling too. It was not your fault that he was neither of the things you’ve expected. 

It was and never will be your fault to believe something could still be beautiful in this cruel world. It was and never will be your fault that you just wanted to be loved as you are capable of loving. It isn’t your fault that in the quest of trying to be understood and cared about and loved, just loved even once, you get hurt by the things you see and didn’t want to and by the things you want to but did not see. It hurts, my God, it hurts to realize you’re back to zero once again, it was lonely once again, hollow once again.

But darling, it was neither his.

Puzzles

There are times when I meet someone and feel this instant attraction. And everytime that happens, I can hear myself pleading, “Fascinate me.” 



And everytime too, I can’t help but laugh at that disappointed feeling that lingers when they don’t. It hurts too often that there is simply nothing to do but mock away the pain.

Air and Fire

For him, she was the reason for existing. She was not afraid to touch him, to let him feel like his desires and his passions are worth having no matter how terrifying they are to him. Hers was a fleeting kiss and the lightest caress. But she was the sudden thrill and surge of adrenaline too. She makes him stronger but wanting for more. She was captivating that way.

For her, he was an unending fascination. So terrible, she thinks, but so beautiful too. Yes, beautiful, there was simply no other word- how he resonates power when she touches him, how he reaches out for her endlessly. He was ashes with a bitter taste of death and pain. But he was also warmth and safety. He was art whose meaning is unraveled to those who are brave enough to try it. He was mysterious that way.

She was the very force that kept him alive but he was simply a puzzle waiting to be defined. It was a mistake to open up to her, to give her a solution that easily, thinking it will tame that wildness in her, thinking it will win her heart. What he failed to realize was that her heart belongs to this world and not to a single person, not even to herself. He was no longer a mystery, no longer unsolved and she would have not wanted something ordinary and unchallenging. She was air and he was fire. And no matter how you think of it, it couldn’t have worked out. For he, he is willing to burn the world down trying to chase her. And she, she would have left anyway.

Nothing

I wanted to write of my loneliness.

I wanted to pour into paper every frustration and pain so I could free myself from them.

I wanted to find the exact words to tell my story so I am not its character anymore but its author and its reader.

I wanted to transfer every bit of anger to these string of words and be able to erase them.

Because it hurts. So much. Too much.

I wanted to make poetry of what I am feeling and put it here but nothing came out. In the chaos of everything I have ever felt, there is simply nothing to describe it.

The Ocean and the Sky

“But I love you…”  the sky said.

The ocean cried silently.

“You don’t love me as I love you.” The ocean whispered. “I love you. Do you understand that? I dont love you like the shore that I greet and adore during high tide and shy away later when the moon pulls me back. You are my sky. For every star that ever charted their tale across your expanse and every stormy cloud that loomed at your horizon, I will always be there to share it with you. When you smile, I’ll always be there to return it to you. And when you cry, I will always be there to catch every tear that falls until none is left. There will be no day, no moment, that I will  not do it for you.”

“But… I do love you like that.” The sky softly said.

The ocean smiled sadly. “You see everything there is to see in this world yet you will never be able to fathom the very depths of my heart. I could love you with the very whole of my being and you will only see my surface. You are my sky. And while I’ll always see the same sky, want the same sky, I know you want so much more of this world than a single ocean.”

And the sky realized then that while he had always denied that, the ocean knew it from the beginning. Yet, she loved. It was at that moment that he had come to understand what she said. It was simply the kind of love he cannot return.


Resonance

It’s my head again. It’s screaming so loud— just screaming. And it feels like every nerve in my brain is  paper waiting to be burned by the fire that is lashing inside me . I wanted someone else to help me. I need someone to put out this inferno so I can breathe again. This is too much, too much for someone to handle. I looked around, everywhere, but they all are screaming. Everyone else is screaming. WE all are screaming for it to stop, for someone to help, just someone to notice.

Some have been burned alive, reduced to nothing but an ash for a mind while their body is still well. Some have endured it and became the fire that lights and warms instead. But still, they scream with voices that only they themselves will ever hear. And others? Others preferred to extinguish that fire forever.

We all are screaming. We all are burning, I realized. Sometimes I ask myself if the screaming I hear in my head are truly mine or do I perhaps hear the tiniest fraction of the screams from billions of people on this earth resonating with mine.

And for the first time, I wish I was alone in this experience. Because no one, no one deserves to be in such excruciating pain.



photo credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/452963675006606777/

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