I miss you.

I do not mean that I miss our midnight talks and phone calls but that I miss standing here at this precise moment, just really listening to you as you talk about the sky as if it’s about to give a single snowflake in a sunny day or the stars as if all the universal laws of man will not really be able to fathom how mystical they are.

I miss you.

I do not mean that I miss how you laugh at my jokes and smile at me every goddamn morning as if you just saw your gift under a Christmas tree. No, what I mean is that I miss just seeing you, all lanky and carefree, flashing that gummy smile to every stranger you might happen to meet.

I miss you.

I don’t mean to say that I miss how your hand feels against mine, as if they are perfectly fit for each other and as if they aren’t meant to be separated. What I mean is that I miss the way you become proud of your calloused wrists and hands as if they are the very trophy of every online game you spend too much time with.

I miss you.

I don’t mean that I miss how I believed in forever when I was at your side or how I feel like after such a long time of running and hiding and being scared, I am finally, finally… home.

I miss you.

Don’t you get it? I’m here, baring my soul and heart out not for you to come running back to me but for you to know that once upon a time, I met this boy and  I have fallen in love with him and have broken my heart because of him but that once, that limited amount of time, was enough for me to know that it was worth it. You are worth it.

I miss you. I miss you. I just miss you — the mere thought of someone like you

But like your stars and your planets, I can only appreciate you  from afar. I cannot be your moon — always being dragged to where you are without knowing why I should but I can’t also be your sun because while you are spending your days around me, one day I might explode into a million pieces and I don’t want you to lose everything just because I am gone.

I can only be your observer. I can only gaze at you and stay for a night but that is all. That is all. I can’t be a part of your universe. I will never be once again your universe. And that may hurt a lot but in those moments when you question my decisions, know that out of all the things in this world, only an observer can truly look at the crying sky but still fall in love with it.

 

 

 

 

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