I have school works to do but as usual, I decided to put them aside for now so I may put into order this chaotic mind of mine. Let me start with a quote from the newly-released Harry Potter and the Cursed Child:

In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe. – Albus  Dumbledore

I always admire that man and God knows how my soul and heart had been broken when I’ve read of his death. It may sound stupid since he, of course, is a fictional character but he’d always been one of the characters I’ve truly treasured and loved. Now that I’ve read of him once more, the nostalgia of being a child once again had left me crying.

In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again.

It had always been the same for me for every relationship, every friendship and commitments I have to make — always make sure to invest less and take more. That had always been a governing rule in my life. I don’t know since when did that start but I’ve always felt like I need to be cautious and careful of treading these ‘relationship’ lines. I’ve always felt like if I give too much for these kind of things, while I may get happiness, it may also bring me disappointment and sadness at the end — you know, the realization of being alone at night when you thought you can finally have someone to be there with you and for you in those times you wish to die or you can forget or just runaway or wish you never existed at all. Because those  are the hardest parts, aren’t they? Those are parts you do not want to happen yet they happen. Those are moments you wish to conceal as if by concealing them, they are not part of your reality but it sucks because they are THE reality. It’s hard and  so often times, I just swallow the bitter truth that I’d be fighting these demons in my head alone and no matter how many friends or family I have, in the end, it’s still me who’ll hug and comfort the me who is crying silently at 3 am when I want to sleep forever.

Be honest to those you love, show your pain.

But you see, THAT is the difficult part. You see, I’ve built this ice castle like Elsa did and I have hidden my heart in its most secure chamber but now you’re telling me to open the door where the sun may melt all of it and just release all those secrets I possess, the pain I need to hide and the demons in the darkness which I’m constantly fighting? So what? For what, exactly? Tell me. So they could judge me when they are done watching me pathetically try to catch those loose things all at once? So they could say that I am weak, I am vulnerable? I can’t. I won’t. I’ve been there and it’s exactly the reason why there is this ice on the first place. People will always be cruel. People will always find a way to belittle and humiliate others. People will always act out of self-interest so that when you lay all the broken pieces of your soul in front of them, they’d mend it for you just so they could let you see your reflection, reminding you of how broken you have become.

To suffer is as human as to breathe.

And that’ that. Isn’t it? Suffering. Happiness, pain, more happiness but eventually more pain — an endless cycle. To suffer is to be human. To breathe is to be human. And that’s basically how people die— trying to be human until they realize that they do not want the suffering anymore. They don’t need to breathe anymore.