It’s been a long time huh?
Today, I did not attend classes. I do not feel like it. While that definitely should not be an excuse, well, that’s my only excuse. I found myself wanting to sleep and wanting to watch something entertaining (like thrillers) or play chess or any mind games. I found myself crying and wanting to cry even more with “Amazing Grace” as my background music. I found myself reaching for the bible which I haven’t done for a long time.
I found myself lost with my own thoughts, consumed with my emotions.
I wanted to do something— just anything at all—to prevent myself from remembering the nightmare I had about committing suicide. It’s too vivid in my mind— the desire of doing it, the peace I had upon thinking it and then the fear of realizing there must be something wrong with me.
This did not only happen today but I feel like this had been happening quite recently and frequently. The thought scared me yet the thought of freedom makes me at peace too.
I am scared of myself.
I have always been scared of myself . I have a heart which is capable of being unforgiving, of being too proud and being too cruel to myself and to others. However, acknowledging your enemy does not really let you win the battle.
Today, I saw this post in twitter saying:
I don’t want to go to college but I don’t want to NOT go to college.
What I really want is to stop existing but you can’t do that without dying and I don’t want to die either.
And that’s about it. The thought of stopping, of breathing, of standing still just for a moment is too dangerously strong because it’s been tiring to run and run everyday, to hear people saying too many positive things when your knees are about to buckle from being too exhausted, to actually believe on that finish line even if you never was sure that there was one.
And it is these thoughts which had occupied me on days like this, on days where I don’t want to talk to people and I want to lock the door and turn the lights off so no one could notice I am here.
And you know what?
It’s also been tiring to have these repeating thoughts — the fear, the realizations, the choice to just live for the sake of others, then convincing myself that there is really nothing wrong and I am just being too taken by the books I read and movies I’ve watched and that these will all go away when I’ll finally decide to meet my friends tomorrow so I better just sleep.
Yes, I think I better just sleep.
P.S. But for those who are struggling like me, I found this photo and it really did touch my heart and made me cry because I didn’t know I wanted to be comforted until I saw this
And I hope it comforts you a little too.