I seldom go to Church nowadays. Almost never.

And I have the excuse of a million people – BUSY.

Typical bullshit

But when I do,on my own volition and not out of mandatory requirement, I almost always heave this sigh of relief. I don’t know but it does feel like gulping a liter of water after such an exhausting day. I also don’t know why I suddenly feel teary-eyed looking up on that crucifix. I mean, obviously, schools have that too in their classrooms but I feel like it is different. I’m not saying there’s a damn enlightenment happening or divine intervention but when that piano starts and the choir starts singing, I look up to the lyrics on the screen and suddenly there’s this unexplained hurting in my chest and the urge to cry.

I feel like as I sing with them, I could be that girl again – one who prays at the chapel everyday, saying ” Lord, this is all what I have studied last night. I could not offer more.. So whatever results I have I’d know that you have blessed my hardwork and  I thank you for that.” , one that also was a part once of a choir, one that entrusts those burden to the One who could carry them because often, it’s too much already.

And I miss her.

Yet it all comes back to me why I couldn’t go back. All those scars, those helpless moments, it left me with too much bitterness and anger at this world and there was no one to blame  but myself and Him, part of that was Him, I have convinced myself of that. And when that realization dawns, that’s when I really can’t help but shed a tear because I do, I do want to give all of that to him – all that hurts me, all that is breaking me right now, all these monsters I can’t fight anymore.

But I can’t. I can’t.

Because I did once, in my most desperate moments I’ve knocked and tried to seek the answer but I was met by silence. And no, don’t preach yet to me, I know there’s some explanation to all that but no matter how much I try to find that, I can’t. Maybe, unlike most of you, I can’t see it. At some point, I’ve given up trying and I think that’s the moment I’ve created my busy self.

Yet I don’t want to blame him for He had also given me everything that is beautiful in my life right now, everything worth living. And so I look up to the crucifix and I feel like the prodigal son coming back with his sin-tainted heart.  I feel this guilt for being angry and for not trusting still..

Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.