These are things I would like to say but then again, I shouldn’t because I’ll come off as some sassy bitch. Although I’m told I am one.

Here are 5 things [out of a thousand] people say which annoy the hell out of me and so God forbid me to roast people everyday or I’ll be a goddamn incinerator in my next life [ugh]

  1. Oh my god! You gained weight! What happened?

Like, oh my god too! I am so sorry I did not notice that I’ve become pregnant with my fats in the span of two years that I haven’t seen your face or even feel a breath from you. I mean, one day I just woke up with my clothes about to squeeze the internal organs out of me.. I swear I also heard you did a surgery on your face or something.. but you know, who are we to judge when we just met again right? [RIGHT?!]

2. Don’t you have classes? 

What?! Did my existence in this very room just disturbed the natural balance of the universe? Am I perhaps causing an apocalypse?  Because really, for all those times that you’ve seen me go out in my uniform at this kind of hour, wouldn’t your brain already have deduced that yes, I do have classes at this very moment but I chose not to be present. So… are you going  to cut the bullcrap and just ask me why I am absent or are you really going to drag  that question because you better prepare yourself for my i’m-daring-you-to-ask-more -and-let’s-see-what-happens ‘YES’ .

3. I’m sorry miss but we don’t have any change for your 500 peso bill. [stares at you]

Wait! Hold up! I’m a bit confused right now because this [gestures to you 711] uhuh, has enough money to pay my tuition but now, you are telling me that you do not have 100 peso bills tucked in there? Like, have you seen what time of the day is it, sister? It’s late night for goodness’ sake! Do you want me to estimate how many people just barged in with 100 peso bills in here within the day? huh? But HOLD UP! let’s ignore that and focus on what you are really trying to imply here: I NEED TO STARVE MYSELF AND ADJUST AND ACTUALLY HEAD HOME BECAUSE ALL THE STORES HAVE CLOSED AND THE ONLY ONE WHO’S ABOUT TO FEED THE HUNGRY PARASITES IN MY STOMACH DOESN’T HAVE A CHANGE. Like, oh my god, why don’t you just kill me right here?

4. [teacher asks a difficult question]: You [points at your oblivious self] go to the board and write the answer.

Ahhm.. excuse me? Did I just hear you call my name? Are we perhaps not on the same reality here? Because I’m goddamn sure I did not raise my hand and ask for your blessing to answer that question. Why is it so hard, really, for you to just pick that eager-beaver raising her hand as if she’s the survivor of Titanic sitting there at the center of this class? Like, come on! I know she had answered all of your previous questions but why are you trying to humiliate me here? Did I do something wrong aside from just being a dumb person? Why? Really, why?

5. Are you done yet?

Okay. Lemme get this straight. You see me working on something or doing something like I’m those demon gorillas desperately trying to catch that running figure in Temple Run and failing miserably because I have here a lot of things to do in my hands and yet you come here to ask something which has an obvious answer? I am baffled. Are you blind? Do you need my eyeglasses right now? Because, no, I am not [obviously]done yet. Not with this computer nor this book nor this comfort room nor from eating. Okay? So you there, need to chill the eff out and probably comeback the next day because I ain’t wasting my energy answering that.