Today I just received some bad news regarding my studies. Not a failing grade, mind you, but something which could have been prevented if I was more observant and careful. The thing is, I know that no matter how much I ignore it, there simply is the fact that I made a mistake and it was entirely my fault. I tried sleeping it off, laughing, eating till I can’t remember the stupidity of it all but it just keeps coming back to me like a swinging pendulum in a grandfather clock. It eventually became pointless to block it.
And now I am in half-sorry, half-disappointed state which knowing me, will eventually turn into such a depressed and frustrated mindset. [sigh]. The thing with bad things, I’ve realized, is that it will always haunt you and remind you of what a failure you’ve become. In every little mistake committed, there’s always an excess baggage of memories accumulated over time regarding other more disappointing decisions and life choices. They are just reasons for me to torture myself on missing a small detail which turned out to be vital later on. Stupid. Stupid. Can I even trust myself to battle the world if I keep doing such minute mistakes? How utterly disappointing, really.
Now you may wonder where is that girl who speaks of self-forgiveness. Well, she’s in here but I’m trying to hide her because I am yet to wallow on self-pity and disappointment. I wanna write this here because I have no one to confess to my pathetic and selfish self. In here, I am no one to all of you but another writer. You may judge me but I guess only the heavens could know about that..
They say you’ll learn from your mistakes. The thing is, they don’t tell you of the stigma from those mistakes, not the devastation after the typhoon has passed. It’s a constant struggle, I realized. It is not a one-time event where you can experience and move on with it. I don’t even know if ‘moving on’ could exist in a pure form without the lies you feed to yourself. No, it is a war within you which tires even the strongest and gradually breaks the greatest people.
I am tired but I am yet to finish the day. Right now, it feels like being in a quicksand for which I am confused if I should struggle to get out or just let it be. I don’t know if I have the energy to do either. I look at the dark gloomy clouds outside sympathizing with me. Huh. How I wish I could just cry it out as that of the imminent rain and return to the good day. But it doesn’t just got that way, does it?