As I was traveling back from a ‘business’ trip, I suddenly had this flashback on the boys [yes, boys not men because if I say the latter, it feels like I’m a mature woman which is btw, I’m not] I’ve met and well, had taken a liking to. I know, that seems out of the blue but hey! What else would you do if you have the night sky and the music as your background while traveling? It’s bound to happen anyway😂.
Firstly, I remember this boy back when I was younger [sorry for sounding old], there was one whom I could describe as my first love. Huh, that feeling really. For all the silliness and absurdness of the thought of having felt ‘love’ even when I’m still young, I still smile at the thought of actually thinking ‘love’ is as simple as being appreciated, complimented, of feeling the bliss in every happy moment of being together. I look at the social media now and so many people scorn the idea that the younger generation fall head over heels with each other. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and so I’d say I find it annoying that at such young age they explicitly feed the social media with their over-the-top and cheesy exchanges and posts but I also realize that such behavior is normal and should not be condemned by the older generation. Let them believe what they want to believe about love. Later on, they’d find out the truth and they would either be proven wrong or you and I would be. Let them go through it— as you did, as I did.
There was also this boy whom every good girl, they say, needs. Yes, as media would sensationalize it: the bad boy. It works in movies and TV dramas, it surely looks appealing to try in real life, right? Nah. It’s more of having a pain in the ass. Surely, this boy brought me a different vibe— I mean, after all, science says opposites do attract, don’t they? His wit, his teasing, his looks and the way he acts differently around me than the other girls scream of a bad boy. “I will change for you.” He said. While that, my audience, feels like the most used line in history of chasing girls, its impact never really fades when spoken to a young vulnerable heart. In retrospect, I would have scolded myself and commented how a total bullshit that one was. But then again, I was so young. As Adele would say:
🎼It was just like a movie.
It was just like a song
When we were young♩♫
Yes, when I was younger, there were boys who admired me as much as I have admired them. When I was younger, I have experienced fleeting moments where I would have convinced myself to be what love is. I still don’t know what it is though. Not when I felt my heart is breaking and not even when I met him— him who is constantly in my mind even as I am writing this, him who wonders what the heavens and the stars could hold with such profound curiosity and interest, him whose laugh makes me laugh, him whose face is a welcomed sight in stressful days, him who I missed. Yes, even him who does not know, who doesn’t love me back and who was never mine. Even meeting him and being with him did not really lead me to the definition of what love is.
“In time she will learn,
― Lang Leav,
I wonder if that really would happen. If in time, I would get to look back and say that was not love after all. I am young and probably most of you are. I wonder if we’ll ever get to define love in our lifetime.
“For the past has taught to not be caught, in what is not worth pursuing—” ― Lang Leav,