#ThingsIwannaSay

It hurts to love you, don’t you know that? It hurts that I lay here wondering if it was my fear or your cowardice or just that cruel fate which leaves me wondering of what could be.It hurts that I want to be with you, to see you laugh, to hear your voice. It hurts to want such selfish thoughts for a man I can’t be with .

“I miss you.” You said as you met me in the hallway.

And right there, I just looked at you. I want to ask you how much of a punishment do you want me to have if you expect me to answer that as if I did not spend nights on rehearsing every single line and every single pause if that moment comes and I have to say how yes, I miss you too. Goddamn much. So much that it fucking breaks my heart again.  Curse it if  I have to stitch myself together again after realizing how pathetic I’ve become but I’m still willing to tear it to pieces just so I could say those three words to you for a brief moment.

Why? Why do you say such words so easily when it takes all my courage to say that to your face? Why aren’t your eyes full of regret, of questions, of pain? Does it not hurt, even a little, when you look at me, at us standing face to face, at a probability  of being together?

Does it not?

Why?

Is it because of her? Is it really still her? After her rejection and after how she took that look of pure happiness in your face and replace it with a calculated smile? Is it really just her?

Damn you!

How could you make me believe that I became the remedy to your heart as she drove you to hopelessness? Just how dare you make me believe in something so temporary? How could you make me love a man who saw me as a bar he could just drop into when he wants to relieve his stress?

Damn, I hate you. I hate that I still fucking love you as if I just realized it this morning when I woke up to your text. I hate that it hurts to love you. But, by the angels, I still do.

I still do.

But you know what I hate more? To look at you now and realize that you are my only option, a choice I’d go for over again, while knowing at the same time that you’d be willing to be one of her options just so you could stay with her.

You are my dream, don’t you know that? The only dream I dared myself to have. But until now you  choose the nightmare of loving someone who will never love you back.

 

 

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