A letter to the boy who said he wants me.


Dear you,

Before you say such words, I want you to understand what it means to want me. I want you to know exactly the kind of world you’ll have to enter and be in while being with me. I will not say I am different from the girls that you’ve met before. No, I am exactly like them. I may not dress in pretty skirts or have make-up on but I am no different from them. We all have things we hide from you. At the end, you’ll realize that  the question to ask is not if she has a monster inside her but actually what kind of monster is inside her.

And will you? Will you meet my monsters? They lie awake in this cold, bitter and angry world that I like to keep to myself. They are shielded by the sharp tongue known to the outside world but they are there. They are the things that hurt me. They are the things that torture me. They sometimes whisper to me at nights or in days where I fail and disappointment washes over me. There are days that it will become too much and thus silence becomes my refuge. Will you be able to take that? Will you sit by me in hours of silence, knowing, comprehending, that it is my own company that I need and not anyone else’s? or will you also leave as that realization gradually sinks in that you cannot love a woman who’s struggling not to break herself? Will you stay with me and my monsters? I need you to. Because the fact that I’ve introduced you to this world means I’ve given you the trust I do not just give to other people. Will you still be with me then when you know that this vial of trust that you hold now, once broken, will also probably break me? Will you be able to take that responsibility? I want you to know that I am as strong as I am breakable and vulnerable. Yes, that also means I can mercilessly break your heart. Don’t forget that I’ve lived so much in coldness that at this point, I’m not afraid to return to it.

So, do you still want me? You can still leave, you know.
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Yeah. I thought so.

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