“So what was he like?”
I paused. What were you like? Daylight? The stars? The serene ocean perhaps? Somehow in those days we have spent together, I saw in you a way to save myself. Yes, maybe you were that. Maybe you were my salvation. You made me human, you know. You alone have made me fear of distance and age and perhaps, of another human’s capability to hurt and love. You made me vulnerable and strong. How is that? No matter how much thought I put about it or how I want to shape these feelings into words of poetry, I still can’t. You made me human and exiled me into a world where I have to confront my weaknesses, with you at first, and later, alone. Is that what salvation is like? Aren’t there supposed to be trumpets of joy blaring and overflowing happiness greeting both of us? Forever as what we promised to each other? But it wasn’t that way. Perhaps you are not a savior.
Perhaps you are a fallen angel sent to finally destroy whatever remaining hopes I had. Yes, It was probably that. The way you look down when you lie, the way your face gets distorted into a mixture of hurt and guilt as she passes by and the way you sometimes murmur her name in your sleep— maybe they were to constantly remind me of my inadequacy and imperfections. Yet they don’t. Everytime you look down, I wanted to raise your chin and kiss you and assure you. Everytime she passes by, I want to embrace you and soothe that crying heart of yours. And everytime you murmur her name, missing her even in your sleep, I wanted to stay by your side till you’ve sent away the very last syllable of her name. I want to comfort you in ways I cannot describe, in ways I don’t know why. Perhaps you are not a destroyer. For how can someone meant to destroy, make someone with a cold heart turn selfless?
Then what are you?
What were you like?
my heart? No, it can’t be. If you were my heart, then what was that which you stole the moment you left?
my lungs? my soulmate? my other half? my forever?
Then I realized, I can’t describe you or whatever it is that you’re supposed to be when in this same world where you saw and left me, like darkness to the blind, you’ve been my only company.