To my moral compass and bestfriend

I feel empty without you.

I feel like a fraud being paraded in town as I prepare for the celebration tomorrow. It just feels too hollow, too incomplete… too wrong. In these random moments where I’m supposed to feel excited and overwhelmed with gratitude, I am reminded instead of how I could have done all these random things with you. In the mall while shopping a dress, alone in my room and here with people surrounding me, I feel like crying. I wanted to run away to you where I can be myself, where we can talk about how silly everyone else is, where you and I could show our tears without the stares and the questions even just for a while. I don’t like this. I don’t like the party nor the gathering of too many people who are supposed to be happy for me nor the dramas that come with it.

I hate it.

Damn, I hate all of it. I hate that you will not be here to celebrate with me one of the most important days of my life when in fact you’ve been there with me when everything cut too deeply and when I’ve been left there desperately calling for death as medicine. You’ve been there to shield me when my weakness were exposed for others to see and exploit. Always there. Always knowing what my silence and facade means. Always.

I will trade this for another night talking, laughing and just sitting there with you while the city comes to life at night and the cold air sings of a sleepless girl trying to relieve her worries away and of another one telling her she’ll be okay  because she is strong, in a tone that had always tamed the monsters in her, that had always make her want to believe it, lies or not.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Come back here.

The cold air sings again of a sleepless girl tonight but there was no one to keep her company this time. The wind blew  sharply against her face and it brought with it memories of first meetings, of sour first impressions, of glances of understanding shared, of midnight talks and of a last goodbye said. This time, the girl let the tears fell after days of holding it together.

“You lied. I was not that strong without you.” The girl whispered softly.