[Cue emotional post]
I am not expecting to publish this one. If this ever gets published, then I don’t know what had driven me to do it. Right now I am in the middle of preparing for my review for the licensure exam and as all things not really fun, it eventually took toll in my mental health. You know that feeling when you’re so anxious in achieving that goal you wanted that you end up thinking of how hard it is, of the immense pressure you have to put yourself into and the possibility that at the end of all that torture, you’d still fail? That is me right now.
[Cue emotionally and mentally drained me typing this]
Somehow these past few days, I find myself listening to a lot of musical piece. Great ones. Pieces that reminds me of something. And always do I find myself wanting to post something here about it but it always end as trash. Perhaps this one will too. Anyway, if this won’t, I will tell my story instead. Just last week I (out of the blue) had found myself watching a video of an orchestra playing Hedwig’s Theme. Here’s the thing, I’ve literally heard this many times in different versions but when I heard it again, when that pianist started playing, I was like some lost child who finally gets to run towards her mom after hours and hours of trying to find her in the middle of a crowded mall. It feels so… home. And I just started crying silently (because my family might get weirded out). It feels strange and familiar at the same time. There’s this ache I cannot seem to explain. So I just cried and cried. I thought that this is just because I missed HP so much but this happened again though. On another musical piece. This time I was watching my ‘liked videos’ on Youtube when this cover of one of Naruto’s bgm entitled ‘Guren’ was played. And yes, here I am still with tears in my eyes. Yet again.
I didn’t know why.
Until I was writing this halfway.
You know what I realized? I think I am having these emotions right now not only because I have missed the feeling of home – as in the books which I have cherished and the animes I have grown up with- after being focused on my studies but also because I am scared of the thought that someday, one day, I might leave this ‘home’ , that I might forget of this home, and go get busy with money, with jobs and finding whatever it is that adults are supposed to find when truthfully all I ever wanted was for people to ask me about this home and say, “After all this time?” and then I’d reply with what every Potterhead should reply when asked this question. “ALWAYS.” And I’m scared because I’m just realizing it at this moment. And now that I’m actually writing about it, my throat kind of hurts a bit and my head aches from restraining myself from crying any more than I already am. Although I’ve literally seen Naruto grow up and see how he overcome those struggles, I still find it hard to be like him. Although I’ve made Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger my friends in my other world as I grow up, I still feel like I’ll never truly be brave in finding who I am, what I ought to become for myself and for this world like they did. And it feels lonely to be in this phase where my mind is learning molecular symmetry, organic reactions and analytical chemistry but my heart just wants a coffee and a book to satisfy its hunger.
I believe for all the complex feelings the heart makes us feel, at the end, it is so simple and innocent that sometimes the mind of eternal possibilities rather opts to leave it behind.
And suddenly, I feel scared and alone at the same time.
By the way, I've made this my wallpaper. I will open at the close. Someday, like him, I'll do what's impossible.