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latenitrogenthoughts

For the night is dark and full of dreamers ♥

JUST FINE

There are words I do not want to say
But I said them anyway

There are things I am afraid to do
But I did them just fine

I have cursed many souls and cursed mine in return
But I ended up just fine

I take one step
Two steps
A thousand
And I walk this lonely journey to hell just fine

I have seen the blood in my veins trickle
On my hands
On the floor
Till my tears were their color too

I have heard the steady rhythm of my pulse fade
Like the sound of dying water from a faucet
Drip
-drop-
Drip
-drop-
But I had opened my eyes and here I am just fine

Then I met you and I thought my whole universe has crumbled into dust when you left
But still, I am breathing just fine

I am tired
For I have knelt and asked the One above
Then I lay at night and asked myself
But then I woke up and forgot about it
because still I was fine

So now that I am merely a vessel of a girl who is dying inside
I ask you
Just how many times do I have to kill myself to be not just fine


Here I am, a stranger. But your friend nonetheless.

Her Eyes

Sometimes I think I see her give a subtle sigh in the middle of conversations. There are times when everyone else is busy being happy or worried or mad or whatever it is that friends do when they hang out together, that I catch her turning her head towards the crowd and smile so regretfully. At that moment, she seem to detach herself from her friends and instead, see them as a third person or more accurately, it feels like she’s in another dimension and is there watching what could have been an alternate universe. She always makes that look in those instances — it was not enjoyment, not exasperation nor boredom. It was the look of someone with fondness and sadness in her eyes, like meeting the characters of a book you’ve decided to reread when you already know what will happen to them or that look you have when you see old photographs of you being so carefree and innocent while knowing those times would never again occur. But as sudden as it came, there was the same swiftness of it going. It was like watching a magic trick or a sleight of the hand— I was always so sure it was there until it was not. And she smile her bright smile and give a big sigh as if she had made a deal with herself or probably remembered a decision she had already done long ago and so there is nothing to do but go on. There is a certain heaviness and finality every time she does that —like she is merely abandoning herself in the moment and trusting her smile to carry her on one day at a time. It’s those fleeting moments that I see how vulnerable she is despite the strength that she displays.

She is gone now.

But I still remember her — her hair, like gazing at the color of starless night even in the middle of the sun’s mercy, her stern look which occasionally breaks to paint her laughing face over some joke her bestfriend had conjured and her eyes, always her eyes. Everything about her may lie but no, never her eyes. For her eyes had that unfathomable sorrow like she was seeing a tragic end before it was even decided by whatever force that moves us in this universe… But perhaps, perhaps, she did.

Quicksand

I walked unknowingly
Without purpose
Nor confidence

I walked until I fell
Onto the solidity of his body
Onto the satisfaction of his words

I walked with mirth in my steps
I felt lighter
I felt on high

I walked as if I’m blind
With him as my guide
With him as my trusted eyes

I walked as he redefined the world
As he gave me his world
As I readily abandoned mine

I walked until water became his lips
Until food is his compliments
Until oxygen is his attention

Oh how I had walked!
Onto the quicksand of his arms
Onto the downward pull of his touch

I walked with all of my effort
Or so I thought
Or so I thought

Kinetics

The professor said, “ Who among you are in a relationship?”

At that point, less than a half of the class raised their hands. After all, the possibility of us being involved in such kind of relationships may be at low level than most who do not devote themselves in the art of bonding on the atomic level.

“Good.” As he saw the obviously few number whose faces are now as confused as those of the majority. “ Do you know the second law of thermodynamics? Oh yes, you there.”

“ The 2nd law of thermodynamics states that a process in an isolated system could only be spontaneous if it has a total entropy which increases over time.”

“And hence, my dear ladies and gentlemen,” he looked at us in a dramatic pause, “ is why when two persons lose themselves in the isolated world called romance are they bound to descend into chaos which eventually leads to break-up as time flies.” 

Silence. Then a wave of ‘oows’ and ‘aaahs’ broke out among us. 

She remembered that now suddenly. It was an amusing thought and one might say, an amazing opening for a Physical Chemistry class. She laughed at the idea of the spontaneity of chaos applied in romantic relationships at that time.

 

Up until now, of course.

 

She looks at him — extrovert, overly positive and every inch different from her — fading from view. She should have known. She remembered the thermodynamics alright. She thought they would go down like precipitates forming or gas being released in a chemical reaction. She thought she’ll see the end of them like indicators changing colors and she could find away to battle it.

“And to what I said at the beginning, don’t worry. Thermodynamics, after all, is a different area from kinetics.” Their professor added at the end of the class.

The descent to the pits of chaos was indeed spontaneous. It was foolish for her to believed that it was not happening when in actuality, it was just agonizingly slow.

 

        They lay at the rock bottom after the fall, not realizing it.

         Until she turn around. And found him no more.

Vices

I went to brothels
     And gambling dens
     I played the cards
    Then I played the men

I went to dark alleys
    And secret meetings
    I drank the high
    I bathed the sins

I went to a world of ghosts
    To smoke my lungs out
    To taint this body
    To be loose and lost

I went and went
    A million and ten
    To escape from the vice
    Of remembering you again

 

To Open at the Close

#lifesnippets

[Cue emotional post]

I am not expecting to publish this one. If this ever gets published, then I don’t know what had driven me to do it. Right now I am in the middle of preparing for my review for the licensure exam and as all things not really fun, it eventually took toll in my mental health. You know that feeling when you’re so anxious in achieving that goal you wanted that you end up thinking of how hard it is, of the immense pressure you have to put yourself into and the possibility that at the end of all that torture, you’d still fail? That is me right now.

[Cue emotionally and mentally drained me typing this]

Somehow these past few days, I find myself listening to a lot of musical piece. Great ones. Pieces that reminds me of something. And always do I find myself wanting to post something here about it but it always end as trash. Perhaps this one will too. Anyway, if this won’t, I will tell my story instead. Just last week I (out of the blue) had found myself watching a video of an orchestra playing Hedwig’s Theme. Here’s the thing, I’ve literally heard this many times in different versions but when I heard it again, when that pianist started playing, I was like some lost child who finally gets to run towards her mom after hours and hours of trying to find her in the middle of a crowded mall. It feels so… home. And I just started crying silently (because my family might get weirded out). It feels strange and familiar at the same time. There’s this ache I cannot seem to explain. So I just cried and cried. I thought that this is just because I missed HP so much but this happened again though. On another musical piece. This time I was watching my ‘liked videos’ on Youtube when this cover of one of Naruto’s bgm entitled ‘Guren’ was played. And yes, here I am still with tears in my eyes. Yet again.

I didn’t know why.

Until I was writing this halfway.

You know what I realized? I think I am having these emotions right now not only because I have missed the feeling of home – as in the books which I have cherished and the animes I have grown up with- after being focused on my studies but also because I am scared of the thought that someday, one day, I might leave this ‘home’ , that I might forget of this home, and go get busy with money, with jobs and finding whatever it is that adults are supposed to find when truthfully  all I ever wanted was for people to ask me about this home and say, “After all this time?” and then I’d reply with what every Potterhead should reply when asked this question. “ALWAYS.” And I’m scared because I’m just realizing it at this moment. And now that I’m actually writing about it, my throat kind of hurts a bit and my head aches from restraining myself from crying any more than I already am. Although I’ve literally seen Naruto grow up and see how he overcome those struggles, I still find it hard to be like him. Although I’ve made Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger my friends in my other world as I grow up, I still feel like I’ll never truly be brave in finding who I am, what I ought to become for myself and for this world like they did. And it feels lonely to be in this phase where my mind is learning molecular symmetry, organic reactions and analytical chemistry but my heart just wants a coffee and a book to satisfy its hunger.

I believe for all the complex feelings the heart makes us feel, at the end, it is so simple and innocent that sometimes the mind of eternal possibilities rather opts to leave it behind.

And suddenly, I feel scared and alone at the same time.

 


 

By the way, I've made this my wallpaper. I will open at the close. Someday, like him, I'll do what's impossible.

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A Tragedy

You are the unspoken part of me
You are the warning glance to my friends
Your are the conversation I’d rather not have
You are the awkward silence that answers a simple question
And you are the apology they had to say thereafter
You are the damn smile of reassurance
You are the look of sympathy I had to watch
Over
And over again
And over again
You are the tears which I try hard not to show
You are  the falter in my steps
The agonizing oxygen that my lungs had to endure just to keep me alive
In
Out
In
Out
I am okay. I’m okay. I am. I am.
Out
Out

You are every memory chased, every pain reminisced, every sad love song written, every cursed word I had to throw at myself for being pathetic in this forsaken place of broken hearts and half-living souls.

Yes. You.

You will always be my greatest tragedy.


Banquo once said to Macbeth:
The instruments of darkness tell us truths, win us with honest trifles, to betray’s in deepest consequence.

I should have known you were going to be my destruction the moment you said you love me and will always do. I guess for someone who enjoys Shakespearean tragedies, I am foolishly blind and deaf.

Crystalline Love

We sat there, side by side, with my head on his shoulders. I was just home after an arduous laboratory work.

“Do you know how to make a crystal?” I said. 

He seemed perplexed by my question as he suddenly looked at me. Apparently, it seems I should know better that he doesn’t.

“No.” He said, amused a little by this strange inquiry.

“Hmmm. “

“Hmmm as in you’re just purely disappointed or hmmm as in you would want to school me instead with this bit of information I know I’ll never understand on my own?”

I slapped his shoulder as I throw my head laughing. He really does know me.

“Well.. you see, we dissolve this salt-”

“Salt? As in-”

“No.”I interrupted him before he’s about to say what I know he’ll say. “Not really the table salt. It could be used, yes, but it takes a lot of patience. A chemical salt, that’s what I mean. And don’t interrupt my lecture. Okay?”

“Okay ma’am.” He winked. “Go ahead.”

“ So we dissolve this salt, mine was copper sulfate and it produces a brilliant blue crystal, mind you. We add the salt and dissolve it in a measured amount of water. We keep adding until it dissolves no more. That’s what we call a saturated solution.” I took a peek to check if he was still listening. He was.

“And?” He prompted. “ Is this where the crystals grow and live perfectly ever after?”

“ No. You need to dissolve it again by applying heat this time. Simply speaking, heating ‘forces’ it to be dissolved when it couldn’t be anymore. Just enough heat to dissolve it, of course.”

“Hmmm.” He looked amused as he muttered it.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Really. What is it?”

“ I don’t know… I just like it when you talk like this. You look so alive and beautiful, for the lack of better terms. Besides, you make me feel as if my mental prowess is actually capable of taking this all in. So yeah, it’s a plus.” He said jokingly.

I stared at him, obviously taken aback by his words.

“Anyway,” I said, trying to hide the obvious surprise I had. After all, we had long understood that we don’t do cheesy. “ After you heat it, you let it cool. And there, crystals after crystals are formed gradually. It’s a wonderful thing really for a chemist. To watch a time lapse video of a crystal growing perfectly into position. Never gets old.”

“And do these crystals live happily ever after now?”

“Not yet. You see, growing crystals is a simple matter. Many have done it at home. But growing a single perfect crystal? Now, that’s a feat. Because then, you’d have to choose which among the crystals you’ve produced has the potential to grow as a ‘perfect’ crystal. After you choose, you let it grow again by hanging it with a strand of your hair (or fine thread) and immersing it in the solution from where it came from. And from there, you let it develop naturally. At the end, it’s almost too impossible to get one that has smooth edges and isn’t deformed by any means. It takes a lot of time and patience and well, knowledge too.”

“Hmmm…And?”

He really does know me all too well.

“ Well, I’m like the salt in this relationship. Little by little, more and more, I give whatever it is that I can give to you. My time, my laugh, my secrets, my embarrassments. Even the aspirations I have withheld from my friends and family. And you are like water. You just take it all in. But one day, there may come a time that you’d have enough from this person you have once vowed to love. After all, one could only heal a person to an extent and you cannot heal us both if I have hurt you already “

I looked at him this time, black eyes meeting his brown ones, letting my next words sink in.

“ And if that happens, when I may seem too much for you, may I ask of you a selfish thing? May I ask of you not to leave me? Will you find in your heart, just one more time, to look for that person that you loved just like that heat applied to a saturated solution. Just one more time. Let us figure it out. I guess what I want to say is that don’t give up on me just yet. It’s an odd request but it’s you. And I don’t want to lose you. I guess I’m just that selfish huh. “ I said sheepishly.

“And if there are emotions, aside from this love you tell me about that’s going to surface at that point, like the crystals crowding in a limited space given to them, then let us find  love among all of that, together. Then let’s grow that into a single perfect crystal with time and effort. Well.. actually I don’t know about perfect. It may be deformed but at least it’s ours. “

I cannot read the emotions on his face as I ended my evidently long speech and so I was mildly surprised when his mouth descended onto mine in a gentle kiss which he broke by teasing.

“If that had been a proposal, my love, I’d say that was the most mentally challenging one.” He grinned.

 

 

 

 

Little Town

Little town
its a quiet village
Everyday
Like the one before…

 Now, if you’re a Disney enthusiast much as I am, I bet you just sang those lines. Well, even if you’re not one, I think you’d still be quite familiar with how the song goes on from there (yes, with a lot of French words and an awesome arrangement) since Beauty and the Beast basically hit the 90s kids with a sweeping arc of nostalgia ensuring its success even without the help of the ‘real’ kids who will now remember Emma Watson as Belle rather than this brilliant girl who taught us that no, it’s not leviosAH but

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Aaah, time flies. Rather fast, doesn’t it?

I have always felt that among the Disney princesses, Belle is the one I can most relate to. Not only is she a bookworm [ in the movie where she quoted A Midsummer Night’s Dream to the Beast, I almost got up my seat and recited it with her. Ugh. That’s how excited I was] and introvert but also because she lives in this little town. [She also likes to sing apparently.. or was that required? Haha]. Anyway, like Belle and her little town, I have come to realize that the little town I have grown up to had not change at all.

Some say Belle is too ambitious for her own good. I’ve even heard others jokingly said that Belle was ready to pounce on the Beast even with that appearance just because he has got the riches of the world. Yet one must not be so judgmental as those characters in the story, must one be? I grow up, like Belle did, in this small provincial life, almost trapped in an endless cycle of teen moms, the dramatic neighbors’ more dramatic love affairs and the prejudice that to chase after one’s dreams means to also be less of a part of this stagnant community.

Yet Belle did choose her own fate. I did also.

It is not ambition nor riches nor anything so materialistic at all, not even the promise of happily ever after. It was freedom. It was the freedom we have seen in the pages we have turned, in the places we’ve visited in our imaginations and in the hours we have spent reading and rereading books after books which had told us that there is a world beyond. There is a world waiting. There is so much that is still out there that can’t be seen if I instead choose not to drown in this stagnant pool of vile prejudice. I want so much more than that. And for that, I did understand Belle.

And since Belle conveys it more dramatically but sincerely, I must borrow her words from her reprise:

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I want adventure in a great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand to have someone understand
I want so much more than they’ve got planned.

 

I want more than this provincial life. Is that so much to ask? The desire to be more, that’s what Belle and I both had. But as she held the last pages of her own book and reached a peace in her heart with a castle and prince by her side, a little bit happy and sad I presumed like any bookworm after the final chapter of her beloved book, it has then come to me that this is not the conclusion I would have wanted for me. I wanted to change this little town, I realized. I wanted to wake it from its sleep and share to it the adventure I had in a great wide somewhere.

After all, I may be 20 years of age but I would like to believe that in the deepest recesses of my heart, I am still that kid who just wants to have a happily-ever-after for everyone.

Featured image is mine. All others are not mine and so credit goes to their respective owners.

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